Friday, 13 September 2013

Dealing with nasty and negative people

This last couple of years I have grown to understand something very important about people.  The reason why what I now know is so important is because the level of understanding I have reached can not be achieved by many of the people who display the traits which I am talking about.  This is a terrible shame because while I know what ails them I can do nothing for them.  This used to frustrate me but I have since let go and I am now resigned to simply knowing.

There is a lot of negativity in this age but people who are negative often have no idea that they are such.  People hide their feelings a lot or over compensate for their feelings.  I see this pretty simply and I would never have been able either to see or explain it a couple of years ago but this last 3 years in particular I have grown a deep understanding of human nature.  The main thing I have been able to do with this understanding is to protect myself from negativity coming from others.  In short I don’t react to it like I used to and so I don’t suffer from it as a result.  The reason I am writing this as with all I write is because a few of you reading will identify with it and hopefully as a result you’ll be able to use it to become more peaceful within yourselves.

When people suffer from trauma or abuse they can get very negative in the extreme but this is only at the far end of the negativity spectrum.  Negativity is everywhere and everyone suffers from it at some point.  I am sure you have all experienced those days when nothing goes right, we all have them but most of us know how to handle it.  Sometimes though we don’t relate events in our lives as being concurrent and connected.  We have a very matter of fact way of looking at life and often things can build up and build up without us being aware that anything is wrong until we find ourselves in the middle of bad mood or episode of some sort.  Of course most of the people reading this type of article will be saying to themselves “What is he talking about?” if you ask yourself that, maybe you should start looking at your past and your daily reactions and interactions for possible signs that something is wrong.

Due to the structure of our societies and our nonchalant disregard of instincts and emotions people are suffering greatly from themselves but it is much more complicated than that.  As if it isn’t bad enough that these people are angry and depressed society doesn’t have a very good outlook on such individuals.  In short the people who are negative end up blaming society and in turn society blames the people who are negative.  This is a cycle of negativity and it is both continuous and self perpetuating.  The depressed person becomes more and more despondent and society chooses to push them further and further away.  Can you see this?  Can you see the obviousness of the whole scenario?  Something else you should look at here is that this type of situation is both all inclusive and self fulfilling.  It takes both sides to behave as they do for it to occur, so it neither societies nor the individuals fault, it is in fact both their faults.

So what am I trying to say here?  Well negativity needs itself in order to thrive and sometimes people can be negative without realising they are.  Indeed those who want nothing to with people who are depressed are actually just protecting themselves but the after aeffect is that they are doing a great disservice to society as a whole with their disregard.  The depressed person becomes more and more so and they spread their negativity that way but the people who are pushing them away also become negative because they are displaying a high lack of empathy by doing what they do and to be honest their blaming is no better than the blaming of the individual.

When people get very depressed they usually only deal with it in one of two ways or a combination of these two ways.  Either the person pushes the negative energy out of themselves and tries to harm others or they turn it inwards and try to harm themselves.  Like I said some people do both but other people can do it very subtly and they can seemingly pass as if there is nothing at all wrong with them.  Most people don’t like admitting this but if a person is always being nasty to others or always being quiet, distant or generally miserable they are probably suffering from some level of depression.  Similarly  the person might just not be very helpful or they might always be picking up in the faults of others but all these modes of behaviour show that there is at least some level of disharmony within them.  People often excuse this in many ways.  They might say that they’re fine it’s other people who always find fault in them or that they are just having a bad day but the fact remains that if someone is always having a bad day then it may be obvious that something is wrong. People who drink too much too often or who sulk a lot or always behave in a very needy way are equally suffering from sort of insecurity which could be verging on depression. You may also know people who are always very critical but they veil it in humour and they laugh while they’re attacking others so it is “just a bit of a joke” but it isn’t really people who always do this are deeply unhappy but they’ll never say they are.  Laughter is good disguise because it is a positive force but seriously if someone is always laughing at the misfortune of others they must be a bit sick, mustn’t they? People who gossip and constantly nitpick are similarly unhappy but if the bahivour is not completely out of order maybe just having a quiet word with them would suffice.

People who are very nasty a lot of the time can be very difficult to deal with and can often find themselves always at odds with those around them but like I outlined earlier this is not exclusively the fault of the person displaying such traits.  Nastiness can be particularly difficult to deal with if the person is attacking you directly and it is human nature to want to give some type of response when being attacked but this is the wrong thing to do. 

There are two main aspects to this:

1.  Try and reason with the person who is attacking you.

This won’t usually do any good because if a person is attacking you for no apparent reason they are already displaying completely irrational behaviour and you cannot rationalise the irrational so it is usually a waste of time.  Remember I am not talking about isolated incidents here I am talking about continuous and aggravated nastiness.  You CANNOT rationalise the irrational.  You CANNOT look at a person who is in irrational circumstances and find simple answers when you yourself are doing alright and you’re happy because your answers and suggestions are going to be out of the depth that the nasty person is looking for.  If you are judging a person who is in irrational circumstances and you’re not you will tend to either get annoyed with them or pity them neither of these reactions is helpful though as both pity and annoyance will further entrench the person.

2. Be nasty back.

If you attack a person who is attacking you all you are doing is giving them what they need to continue their tirade. Nasty people need one of two reactions from you they either need you to cower and act afraid or they need their nastiness to be returned to them, if you do neither of these things you basically starve them emotionally.  Being nasty back to the person has another aspect to it though by doing so you are behaving just as they do and that gives them the psychological rational that it is alright to be nasty because you just justified it didn’t you?  By doing it you have said it is alright and that makes you no better than them.

Unfortunately the way to deal with this type of behaviour is often by either completely ignoring it if that’s possible or just by taking yourself out of the situation completely and cutting ties. I have seen this from both sides where I was both the aggressor and the aggrieved at different times so I know about it and to be perfectly honest there are some people you would just be better staying away from both for your own sake and theirs.

Nasty and aggrieved people will constantly look for others who they can blame and so you will find over time that they will end up isolating themselves, it is very, very sad but what can you do?  You always have to ask yourself  Could I do anymore?  Should I try harder?  If you are having difficulty with someone it might be a good idea to talk to others around you who are connected to the person to find out other peoples points of view and could do with being frank with them and asking for their opinion as to whether or not they feel you have done all you can for the person.

I have had to cut quite a few people out of my life and conversely I have been cut from others lives as a result of my behaviour in the past.  Sometimes the only way to deal with people is to not deal with them anymore.  

An important thing to note is that I have stopped reacting to certain people because I no longer take their nastiness personally.  It is a fault to constantly take things others say or do to us personally and it shows insecurity in ourselves if we always do that and I feel that if you take offence too much and too often you may well be on your own path to some type of deep insecurity or depression.

Nasty people are not emotionally well so we should give them all the breaks we can before making decisions about how to deal with them.  You should also try to understand what they are going through.  The person is already probably beating themselves up to a large degree and this is the reason they will show defensive and sensitive behaviour when you try to reason with them. Think about the position they must be in.  From a societal point of view think about how we are always taught to look out for ourselves.  Even though these people are angry and depressed they still have pieces of their human nature intact and they will be still be trying to well and will often convince themselves that they are well.  No one wants to be told that they’re doing terrible at life especially by those close to them so please try to understand it from their point of view.  Empathy is in short supply in this stuttering age so we should all try our best to understand one another.

There are many ways to lead a productive life free from negativity but you have to know about yourself and you have want to change in order to do so.

I am pasting in a site which I have read a lot which can be helpful but you must look inside yourself in order to find out about your own strengths and weaknesses before you can try to be happier.

I am by no means a know it all or some kind of brilliant person.  I have a daily review of myself and my behaviour and everything is just for today.  I don’t look too far ahead and take life as it comes because I could easily end up drinking tonnes and being in a state in the future depending on my circumstances.  The thing I have now that I didn’t have before is awareness and self awareness.  I smile today because I have built a life that is conducive to smiling and for as long as I feel how I do now I will continue to be happy.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

One love.  : ) 

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